1/2 Pound of Salami

So when you live at home with your parents, you come to depend on the phone as your only form of social activity. And I’ve come to realize that this has its pluses. For one, no need to get dressed, no need to put on make up or shower, lets be honest no need to get out of bed at all. But my favorite thing about using the phone as my only form of connection to the outside world is that I can multi-task my favorite thing in the world. That’s right, eating. If you plan well, you can non stop munch your way through a 4 hour conversation. The following is a list of my favorite foods to snack on while chatting:

1. Salami. Soft and chewy, your unsuspecting friend will have no idea you have been stuffing four pieces of salami down your throat while listening to her last dating disaster.

2. Cheese. Not to be mistaken with cheese and crackers. Crackers are a major I’m stuffing my face and only half listening to you give away. (See list below). But gnawing on a block of cheese is virtually noise-less. Yup, you may look like a huge fat fuck while doing it, but wait a second, oh that’s right – you’re all alone.

3. Popcorn. They don’t serve it in the theaters for no reason. Quiet, buttery, and salty. Aka my new best friend.

4. As for drinks, stick to straws. Other than keeping the noise down, straws can allow you to prop your drink next to your pillow and IV the fluids in via straw without any moving or lifting. Aka gain those calories, but certainly don’t try and lose them.

6. Licorice. Like salami, it’ foldable, stuffable and comes in bulk. Those Costco 2 pounders are a DEAL!

Snacking No-Nos
Crackers, chips, nuts (haha, nuts), those snack crackling popping rice krispies bastards.

My Other Favorite Multi-Tasking Phone Activities
Peeing and taking a poop. And believe me after ½ a pound of salami, you’re going to need to drop a rather large bomb.

I have no job, I live with my parents, Let’s chill sometime”

I’m a total catch. Literally, I cannot keep the boys away. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have no schedule restrictions or the overflowing $23 in my bank account, but they just cannot get enough of my broke, jobless ass.

I don’t want to brag, but sometimes my parents go to bed and leave out half a bottle of wine and dinner leftovers. All I’m saying is that as long as we keep it down, we can probs have a really awesome date at my parent’s pad. They’re chill as long as I remember to turn off the lights before beddie bye and lock the front door. They like totally hate it when I leave the door unlocked. They like really give me a talking too. Like this one time, my dad was all like “ beata you have to remember to lock the door” and I was like “dad, whatevvvvvveeeeeeerr.” It was pretty crazy.

Sometimes I like to get up in the morning and pretend I have a really important job to go to. I get dressed in one of my many snazzy women’s business suits and sit down for some hardcore black coffee. Fuck milk. (I take calcium vitamins. Being irresponsible about the health of your bones is just gay). I need to be ready for the rigorous day ahead. I roll out the newspaper and look over at my mom and knowingly sigh about the work week we have ahead of us. “Just another manic Monday, huh mom?” (God, I’m witty). Then she tells me its Thursday. She can be real cold sometimes.

At this point in the day, I usually change into my old backstreet boys t shirt and put on the tape of my highschools rendition of “Godspell”. I was so cool back then.