So when you live at home with your parents, you come to depend on the phone as your only form of social activity. And I’ve come to realize that this has its pluses. For one, no need to get dressed, no need to put on make up or shower, lets be honest no need to get out of bed at all. But my favorite thing about using the phone as my only form of connection to the outside world is that I can multi-task my favorite thing in the world. That’s right, eating. If you plan well, you can non stop munch your way through a 4 hour conversation. The following is a list of my favorite foods to snack on while chatting:
1. Salami. Soft and chewy, your unsuspecting friend will have no idea you have been stuffing four pieces of salami down your throat while listening to her last dating disaster.
2. Cheese. Not to be mistaken with cheese and crackers. Crackers are a major I’m stuffing my face and only half listening to you give away. (See list below). But gnawing on a block of cheese is virtually noise-less. Yup, you may look like a huge fat fuck while doing it, but wait a second, oh that’s right – you’re all alone.
3. Popcorn. They don’t serve it in the theaters for no reason. Quiet, buttery, and salty. Aka my new best friend.
4. As for drinks, stick to straws. Other than keeping the noise down, straws can allow you to prop your drink next to your pillow and IV the fluids in via straw without any moving or lifting. Aka gain those calories, but certainly don’t try and lose them.
6. Licorice. Like salami, it’ foldable, stuffable and comes in bulk. Those Costco 2 pounders are a DEAL!
Snacking No-Nos
Crackers, chips, nuts (haha, nuts), those snack crackling popping rice krispies bastards.
My Other Favorite Multi-Tasking Phone Activities
Peeing and taking a poop. And believe me after ½ a pound of salami, you’re going to need to drop a rather large bomb.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
3 comments:
Dear Beata B,
I read your blog and I must say I'm rather concerned. In “1/2 Pounds of Salami,” you imply a rather urgent need to hide the truth from the very people you call your friends. Are they your friends? If they are, why not allow them to hear you chew? The answer is that you are refusing to reveal them the full truth any true friend deserves.
This in itself is not concerning, but the deeper implication lies in the implication that you are indeed literally hiding from yourself from yourself. Consider the last time you looked in a mirror. Perhaps you have secrets, perhaps you are scared, but I believe the truth to be that you feel numb in an otherwise vibrant world. Think of the symbology of the parents in this tale, specifically in relation to your poo. I'm not a certified psychologist myself, but I have concerns that this dishonesty will manifest itself in other aspects of your life.
Please write back as soon as you can, with full disclosure, perhaps pictures. And in the mean time, avoid the urge to use rope for any reason.
God bless.
Sincerely,
Joe B
brilliant. come see me!
These are extremely useful tips. You also might consider:
1. Bananas
2. Those high-energy squeezable goo things they use in Tour de France.
3. Sweetarts chewy ropes, also available at Costco.
Post a Comment