Gettin' Political: My pick for the Prezie Prez

Apparently Mike Gravel hasn’t dropped out of the race. He’s just done campaigning. Because with 0.14% of votes, what would you do? Hmm, lets see OH, that’s right- stop campaigning and let the people (un)knowingly come to you. The man is a fucking genious.

For those of you who don’t know the amazing-ness of Mike Gravel, let me prep you. He’s running for Prez and he is insane/awesome. He had enough campaign money to make only one commercial. He decided to make the commercial... silent. (Genious move #2) For the first minute and 11 seconds, he just stares at the camera with a looks that says, you know America, you know (Oh, do I ever, Mike Gravel). He then drops a rock into a lake. BOOM.
And then there’s a whole minute of him walking away.
Money.
Well.
Spent.

Check out the video:



Needless to say, I’m quitting my job and campaigning for the cause here on out. Mike Gravel 2008 bitches.

Mama is Back

Listen, I’m going to start taking this blog a lot more seriously. Too all my many fans and loyal readers, I apologize. Mama is back. And by “back” I mean, I am so bored at work I actually just accidentally drooled on myself. By “back” I also mean that I will no longer proofead my blogs. From now on, whatever bullshit I come up with, it is all yours- real, raw, and unscripted.
Here is what happened to me today and it’s happened to me before. This makes me feel angry. I think you may have been in such a situation before as well and perhaps you can relate.

A coworker brought their baby into work. It was probably 9 months old, going on fat/ugly. The coworker and his wife came up to my desk and held their child up to me and waited. Expecting me to just fall out of my comfy desk chair because what they have created is SO cute, SO adorable that I can’t even handle myself. And all I wanted to do was be like, no sir, I am not drunk with joy over the fact that this bundle of double chin and poo is in front of me. In fact, I’m trying to hold my lunch down as it drools onto on my post it pad. That is NOT cute. Neither is its snot, its toothless smile, or its potbelly. Like, lose some fing weight asshole. You’re no longer sitting in a pool of KY jelly in your mom’s stomach (look I’m not a fing scientist, but I know a thing or two about the human body). You’re in the real world now. DO something. Go for a run. Get with the program, amigo.

But since he is a highranking official here and I am nothing but a measly receptionist, I mustered all my energy and highschool acting lessons and did what I had to do. I
1. let my jaw drop in utter surprise (over how cute it was).
2. allowed my voice to go up 6 octaves higher than normal.
3. said a couple of OMGs, and “Look at you”s
4. squeezed its cheeks
5. and said, “What are YOU doing for new years?”

The last part came off as a little creepy, but lucky for me and lucky for it, babies can sense utter hatred. So once it started crying and screaming, the parents apologized and took off with their creation.

Babies-0, Beata -1.

My day at the Sprint Store

So the other day I decided to go to the get my cell phone fixed. I went to the Sprint Store and I just really hate the way they falsely advertise. I don’t know why don’t go by their actual title: “Where to go when you want to kill yourself…slowly...and painfully.”

I walked in and I thought there was a reenactment of downtown Baghdad going down. It turned out being a mom and her newborn infant. I mean I didn’t even know something could make such an extensive array of ugly sounds. It was like knives to the ear. Knives with tiny elves holding smaller, sharper knives too. The point is it was bad, people. Real fucking bad.
And I’m just going to throw something our here, I don’t think I’m being extreme when I say I just think there should be a law not allowing mothers and their infants outside of their homes until the child is like 9. That’s being fair, cause initially I was going to say 14.
But I kept my calm, and waited for my turn. Six hours and four meltdowns later, FINALLY I am next. But it turns out ahead of me is the oldest geezer alive. Bitch was olllld. I mean saggy, wrinkly, six hearing aids coming out of each ear old. “so now, how do I end the phone call?’ What?! Are you serious? Fucking go home and read the manual or just die already. For the love of god. But then I felt bad. I mean here I was getting all worked up and taking it out on someone who is obviously weaker than me and obviously struggling with life as it is. That’s just not cool.

So I took a deep breath.
And body slammed the infant and his mom.

Thought people would be thankful, but it didn’t go over too well. Yeah, there’s a Nation Wide sprint store ban on me right now. So if anyone’s good with cell phones, that would be cool.
Or if anyone wants to go egg the sprint store on el camino in san mateo, even better. The eggs and the TP are on my ‘rents. Suuuckers.

1/2 Pound of Salami

So when you live at home with your parents, you come to depend on the phone as your only form of social activity. And I’ve come to realize that this has its pluses. For one, no need to get dressed, no need to put on make up or shower, lets be honest no need to get out of bed at all. But my favorite thing about using the phone as my only form of connection to the outside world is that I can multi-task my favorite thing in the world. That’s right, eating. If you plan well, you can non stop munch your way through a 4 hour conversation. The following is a list of my favorite foods to snack on while chatting:

1. Salami. Soft and chewy, your unsuspecting friend will have no idea you have been stuffing four pieces of salami down your throat while listening to her last dating disaster.

2. Cheese. Not to be mistaken with cheese and crackers. Crackers are a major I’m stuffing my face and only half listening to you give away. (See list below). But gnawing on a block of cheese is virtually noise-less. Yup, you may look like a huge fat fuck while doing it, but wait a second, oh that’s right – you’re all alone.

3. Popcorn. They don’t serve it in the theaters for no reason. Quiet, buttery, and salty. Aka my new best friend.

4. As for drinks, stick to straws. Other than keeping the noise down, straws can allow you to prop your drink next to your pillow and IV the fluids in via straw without any moving or lifting. Aka gain those calories, but certainly don’t try and lose them.

6. Licorice. Like salami, it’ foldable, stuffable and comes in bulk. Those Costco 2 pounders are a DEAL!

Snacking No-Nos
Crackers, chips, nuts (haha, nuts), those snack crackling popping rice krispies bastards.

My Other Favorite Multi-Tasking Phone Activities
Peeing and taking a poop. And believe me after ½ a pound of salami, you’re going to need to drop a rather large bomb.

I have no job, I live with my parents, Let’s chill sometime”

I’m a total catch. Literally, I cannot keep the boys away. I don’t know if it’s the fact that I have no schedule restrictions or the overflowing $23 in my bank account, but they just cannot get enough of my broke, jobless ass.

I don’t want to brag, but sometimes my parents go to bed and leave out half a bottle of wine and dinner leftovers. All I’m saying is that as long as we keep it down, we can probs have a really awesome date at my parent’s pad. They’re chill as long as I remember to turn off the lights before beddie bye and lock the front door. They like totally hate it when I leave the door unlocked. They like really give me a talking too. Like this one time, my dad was all like “ beata you have to remember to lock the door” and I was like “dad, whatevvvvvveeeeeeerr.” It was pretty crazy.

Sometimes I like to get up in the morning and pretend I have a really important job to go to. I get dressed in one of my many snazzy women’s business suits and sit down for some hardcore black coffee. Fuck milk. (I take calcium vitamins. Being irresponsible about the health of your bones is just gay). I need to be ready for the rigorous day ahead. I roll out the newspaper and look over at my mom and knowingly sigh about the work week we have ahead of us. “Just another manic Monday, huh mom?” (God, I’m witty). Then she tells me its Thursday. She can be real cold sometimes.

At this point in the day, I usually change into my old backstreet boys t shirt and put on the tape of my highschools rendition of “Godspell”. I was so cool back then.